


Explorer

by vocal_fries



Series: Subtext Becomes Text [21]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: DS9 S3E22 "Explorers", Dissociation, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Introspection, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Oral Sex, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:22:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25474573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocal_fries/pseuds/vocal_fries
Summary: Garak grapples with the aftermath of Tain's death, with a little help.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Subtext Becomes Text [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/965958
Comments: 50
Kudos: 66





	Explorer

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so. Um. Hi! I'm alive. I haven't abandoned this series. Sorry for all appearances to the contrary. This just took a really long time to write. I started writing on April 4th, and I finished it today (July 23rd). Garak and I are both having a rough time, and it's been hard to spend a lot of time inhabiting his headspace when I'm already dealing with my own shit. I've been writing cutesy shit in another fandom, which my subscribers probably noticed — to be clear, that's because it's easier and keeps me motivated to write, not because this series isn't important to me anymore. It's still my passion project as a fic writer.
> 
> Anyway, that said, I really appreciate all the incredibly kind feedback I got on the last installment in this series. I loved writing it, and I'm pleased that it landed so well with you all. I hope this follow-up doesn't feel like a letdown after that.

Elim Garak had spent a lot of time in the holosuites of late. Over three weeks since he’d blown it up, his shop still had another week of repair and remodeling to go. Garak had taken on a handful of commissions using a holographic workroom, but it was a hassle he mostly avoided. Besides, Quark demanded a ghastly expensive hourly rate for profit-earning work performed in his holosuites, and Garak didn’t want to pay for two workspaces.

Mostly, he spent time in the holosuites to relax. To try to relax, anyway. Garak had spent hours upon hours in cave saunas, hot springs, and every other geothermal feature he could find in holographic form. He invited the heat into his bones, letting it soothe him.

And he thought. Sometimes for hours. After the first week, he’d rebuked himself for escapism. Later, as the thoughts gradually became more orderly, he’d realized he was engaged in much the same work as the construction crew rebuilding his shop. He was sifting through wreckage, through the charred debris of his life as Tain’s protégée. He often didn’t know quite what something was until he’d examined it closely, and then he had to decide whether to keep what he’d found or simply discard it. He’d ended up with a significant pile of maybes, things he thought he might need when he rebuilt his life, but perhaps only because he didn’t yet understand his alternatives.

Most days, he saw Julian Bashir. They had lunch or dinner a couple days out of the week, and Julian sometimes joined him in the holosuite when the temperature was suitable and his schedule allowed. Garak had slept in Julian’s quarters a handful of times, and he’d allowed Julian to stay with him a few nights, as well. Most nights, though, Garak slept alone. Most nights, he didn’t feel he had the space to spare.

He occasionally felt guilty about taking so much space for himself. Julian was very kind and supportive, but he knew the human was worried about him. Bashir had frequently offered to talk for the first week and a half. He’d backed off when Garak had finally assured him there was no one else he’d speak to first, should the need arise. When they did talk, they spoke about books, or station gossip, or work. More often, they played board games or quietly enjoyed one another’s company.

They hadn’t had sex since before Tain’s death. When they slept in the same bed, they cuddled, sometimes kissing, but Garak felt very remote from his body. It wasn’t that sex upset or repulsed him; indeed, it had simply taken on an alien quality. He wondered, sometimes, if Julian’s patience had a limit. If it did, the young man had given no such indication.

Rennan Grax had been an unexpected ally. He’d offered Garak a massage a few days after his return. Garak had accepted, only to find himself weeping on Rennan’s massage table as the grief in his body surfaced. True to form, Rennan had said nothing more invasive than “Shall we continue?” Since their first session, Garak had received four more massages from Rennan. He felt a bit lighter after each one, grateful for the young Betazoid’s intuitive, skillful touch and companionable silence as he helped Garak wring the grief from his tissues.

Rennan had joined Garak and Julian a few nights, but he granted them the same space he gave Garak. He seemed to sense that Julian and Garak’s relationship was changing as Garak changed. The Cardassian wondered, not for the first time, how someone so young and so lighthearted could be so insightful.

Garak slowly returned from another long reverie, looking around. He was standing in his quarters, staring at a potted Bajoran lily. It was a gift Keiko had sent after the destruction of the shop. Blinking, Garak looked at the scissors in his hand, then at the lily. He carefully pruned away a few drying blooms, then tossed them in the reclamation unit. He rinsed and dried the scissors, returning them to his plant care cabinet.

The door chimed. Garak looked up, surprised for a moment until he remembered he had made plans to spend the night with Julian.

When he answered the door, he felt a flicker of warmth in his chest. Julian beamed at him.

“Garak!” He stepped inside, carrying a small bag made of rough fabric. He wrapped one arm around Garak, drawing him close and kissing his cheek. “A Ferengi merchant who recently visited Earth is docked at the station right now, and I bought the most wonderful things from him.”

“Hello, dear.” Garak gestured at his sofa. “What sorts of wonderful things?”

As they sat, Julian placed the bag on the coffee table. “First of all, I bought a couple bottles of araqi! I haven’t been able to buy it  _ anywhere _ for over a year.”

Garak smiled. “The first drink we shared.”

Julian grinned back, nudging Garak’s knee with his own. “Oh, I remember. Would you like some?”

Garak nodded. “If you’re offering.”

“I am!” Julian retrieved a couple glasses, then returned to the sofa. He poured a finger of araqi for each of them, then set the bottle aside before he dug into the bag again.

Garak sipped his drink, watching Julian pull a thin instrument and a very small bottle from the bag.

“And I bought this fountain pen! With some beautiful dark red ink.”

“Fountain pen?” Garak raised a brow ridge. He recalled the term from some of the older Terran novels they’d read together.“To write by hand?”

Julian nodded happily. “I don’t have much need to do it, but I’m very fond of handwriting.”

“What will you write?”

Julian shrugged. “I don’t know. For now, I probably just need to practice my penmanship — last I tried, it was shit.” He laughed, then looked at Garak, cocking his head. “Shall I write you notes?”

Garak chuckled. “Notes? What about?”

Julian grinned. “Handwritten love letters used to be a common genre in Terran correspondence, and love notes are sort of the domestic version. So, maybe I’ll write about how handsome you are.” He waggled his eyebrows, making a silly face.

Garak huffed a laugh. “Well, my goodness. I look forward to being scandalized.”

“I also bought a kit to grow  _ real _ oyster mushrooms! They’re one of my favorites, and even  _ I _ can tell the replicated kind aren’t as good.” Julian eagerly showed him a box. “It says I can grow up to twenty pounds of mushrooms.”

“Sounds delightful,” Garak said, studying the box. He glanced at Julian skeptically. “I don’t know that I’ve seen you get so excited about non-synthesized food.”

“Oh, but with these, it makes such a difference!”

Garak smirked. “It always does, if one’s palate is sensitive.”

Rolling his eyes playfully, Julian shrugged. “As you and Rennan are wont to point out, my palate is utterly unrefined. Mushrooms are probably the exception. And rice. Sometimes.”

Garak handed back the box. “If you don’t mind terribly, my dear, I’d be interested to try some of these oyster mushrooms when they’ve grown.”

Julian beamed. “Absolutely, Garak! I’ll cook for you.” He sipped his drink, then brought Garak’s hand to his lips and kissed it. He winked again. “Maybe I’ll invite you with a handwritten note.”

Garak nodded his assent. “How charming.”

Julian set the bag aside, leaning toward Garak. The smile on his face turned playful again, and his hazel eyes sparkled. “Garak.”

“Julian,” Garak responded, matching Julian’s sly tone.

“I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I’d really like to kiss you now.”

Garak met his lips, feeling that flicker of warmth in his chest intensify slightly. When Julian’s tongue found his, he could taste araqi. Memories of other nights they’d spent together, early in their relationship, flowed through Garak’s mind. He found himself missing Julian terribly, even as the man crawled into his lap.

A few minutes later, he recognized the faint scent of Julian’s arousal in the air. Garak had only noticed it a few times over the past several weeks, and usually just for brief moments while they slept in the same bed. In the past, it had been comfortingly familiar and enticing, but he felt guilty now. He pulled back from Julian’s lips.

“My dear,” he said hesitantly. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to lead you on. I don’t...I still feel uninterested in sex.”

“Okay.” Julian kissed him again, lightly. “There’s no such thing as ‘leading me on’ besides literally saying ‘Julian, let’s fuck.’ And even then, no apology needed if you change your mind.”

“I can tell you’re, ah, aroused.”

Julian looked at him with soft eyes, smiling. “I can tell, too. How about you don’t worry about that?” He smoothed Garak’s hair back. “I’m perfectly happy to be a little hot and bothered by myself. Unless it makes you uncomfortable?”

“I’m not uncomfortable, but I feel like I’m misleading you.”

Julian kissed his forehead. “Garak. Do you want to have sex tonight?”

He shook his head slightly. “No.”

“Alright. Let’s not have sex. Do you want to kiss me?”

Garak glanced down, eyes not quite focused on Julian’s knee. “I do.”

“Good.” He smiled, stroking Garak’s cheek. Despite his unease, Garak found the touch pleasant. “Can I still sleep here tonight?”

Garak thought for a long moment. He didn’t realize he’d drifted into reverie again until he heard Julian repeat his name. He met Julian’s eyes, feeling conflicted. Finally, he nodded. “I’d like for you to stay,” Garak said quietly.

Julian grinned. “Perfect.” He kissed Garak again. “I want to kiss you. A lot. And I want to sleep next to you. And I’ll probably get turned on a few times, because I’m utterly ridiculous and can’t help it. But you don’t have any obligation to do anything about it.” He kissed Garak again. “I like being turned on around you.”

Garak fell quiet for a moment, thinking. Anxiety churned slowly in him. He glanced at Julian again, summoning the fortitude to speak. When he did, his voice was softer than he might have liked. “I worry you’ll grow tired of waiting for me to want to have sex.”

Julian, who was still on Garak’s lap, looked down at him with surprise and pain in his eyes. He shook his head, then took Garak’s hand. “Garak. I love you. I want to spend time with you. Whatever that looks like.” He squeezed Garak’s hand. “You’re healing. That’s so much more important than anything else.”

Garak studied Julian’s face for a long moment. Warm hazel eyes looked back at him.

“I don’t feel like I’m waiting for anything,” Julian insisted. He brought Garak’s hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles.

The sincerity on his face was undeniable. Garak was unconvinced that Julian would feel this way for long, but it was clear that he meant it for now. “I believe you.”

Julian smiled. “Good.”

Garak took a slow breath, then sipped his drink. He set down the glass, then slipped his arms around Julian. The human hummed with satisfaction as Garak kissed him.

A couple hours later, Garak settled into his bed and called for lights. He lay on his side, curled in on himself. Julian rolled toward him, putting an arm around him and tucking it against Garak’s chest.

Garak lay in the dark, thinking and not thinking. He still missed Julian desperately, even as the warmth of his body kept the harshest edges of the cold at bay. He wondered, idly, when he might ever feel anything but the low, dull ache that had settled into place in the days after Tain’s death. When that ache might be broken by anything besides the occasional flares of raw, visceral grief that still caught him off guard with their intensity. When he might lie close to Julian and feel that closeness.

He laced his fingers with Julian’s against his chest and felt that tiny flicker of warmth begin to glow again, very faintly. He closed his eyes, focusing on it until he fell asleep.

________________

Two weeks later, Garak found himself less frequently subject to those blindingly painful flashes of grief. He slept better, and some of the unbearable heaviness in his still-cold bones had dissipated. The shop had been open for a week, and as it turned out, many of his regular customers had missed him. He had much less time to spend in the holosuites now, though he made a point of going each morning to watch the sun rise in the warmth of some planet or other.

He still saw Rennan for a massage every few days. Although Garak felt normal enough now to chat with Rennan for a while before their sessions, he seemed to have a limitless reservoir of pain lodged in his body. He felt they were making progress, but each session bordered on devastating. After one particularly brutal release of somatic grief, Garak had let Rennan hold him while he cried for a long time after. That night, he’d slept soundly, without a single nightmare, for the first time in weeks. Despite the agony of processing his grief, it had given him a sense of hope he hadn’t expected to feel.

He felt badly for the pain he’d caused Rennan before Tain’s death, when he’d locked down his emotions for weeks, months even, in a futile bid to distance himself from Julian and Rennan. They hadn’t spoken about it, but he knew he’d hurt Rennan with his behavior. Rennan’s willingness to spend time with him and actively support his healing humbled Garak. It was far more than he deserved, and he was immensely grateful.

Garak frequently wondered how he’d come to trust Rennan so profoundly. The nature of their relationship was unique, certainly. Their feelings for one another were very affectionate and loving, but not quite romantic. Garak had never truly had a best friend, but he’d always imagined a best friend to be someone with whom one had quite a bit in common. He and Rennan were virtual opposites in their personalities, and they shared few interests, yet something that felt like a strongly intimate friendship had grown between them over time. Garak doubted it was common to have such a tawdry sexual relationship with one’s best friend, for that matter, but he felt their adventurous, playful sexual dynamic had helped them develop the mutual trust and respect they’d come to enjoy.

This afternoon, as Rennan readied his massage table, Garak drank a cup of red leaf tea. They chatted about the chocolate shop, a new favorite holosuite program of Rennan’s, a ridiculous robe Julian had recently purchased from a traveling merchant, and the usual smattering of station gossip. When the conversation hit a lull, Garak broached a topic that had been troubling him.

“Rennan, my dear,” he said, hesitating. “Have you continued working with Mrs. Troi? How is that going?”

Rennan paused, then turned and smiled at him knowingly. “She’s brilliant. She’s helped me so much since we met.” He raised an eyebrow at Garak. “And I’m fine being with you when you experience grief. I’ve told you.”

Garak felt his lips twitch into a hint of a wan smile. “So you’ve said. I would feel very badly if you’ve been burdening yourself with this.”

Rennan sat on the sofa facing Garak, folding one leg under him. “Honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to do this a few months ago. But Lwaxana has changed everything for me. My empathic agency is so much more developed now. She’s helped me learn to exercise a lot more discernment in my clairsentience. She also gave me some practice tasks for working on true telepathy, but that’s slower going.” He smiled. “When you feel up to it, I’d love to play with that with you.”

Garak smiled despite himself. “Surely you have others to practice with instead of waiting for me.”

Rennan shrugged, giving Garak that smile of his, somehow innocent and roguish at once. “Sure. But I like playing with you.”

Garak grinned. “You’re very charming, aren’t you?”

Rennan chuckled, winking at Garak. “I’m glad you think so.” He cocked his head. “I miss having sex with you.”

Garak pretended to be appalled. “How unseemly!”

Rennan laughed. “Yes, clutch your pearls.” Garak smirked at the Terran figure of speech. Rennan leaned against the back of the sofa, looking at Garak fondly. “I know what a prude you are.”

Garak gave a prim nod of agreement. “I’m known for nothing if not my chastity.”

Rennan laughed again, then looked at Garak closely. “I do miss fooling around. I’m not saying that to pressure you or make you feel bad. I just wanted to say it because it’s how I feel.”

Garak studied Rennan’s face. “I know. It’s odd. The idea of sex doesn’t upset me. It just...it’s like it doesn’t mean anything at all. Which is so strange. I’ve always had an active libido.”

Rennan seemed to consider that. “Do you feel like yourself without it?”

Garak was surprised by the question. He was even more surprised by his answer. “No.” He shook his head. “But I don’t feel ‘like myself’ much at all these days.”

“Have you tried?”

Garak didn’t understand the question. “What?”

“Have you tried to feel sexual?” Rennan asked. When Garak looked at Rennan questioningly, the Betazoid went on. “I mean, you don’t feel much of your grief most of the time, right? Just a heavily muted version?”

“Yes.”

“But you access it during a massage. You can’t think your way into feeling your grief, but you can feel it in your body. So maybe everything’s muted. Maybe you can’t think your way into accessing your sexuality, either, but maybe you can feel it.”

Garak considered Rennan’s words, staring at the surface of his tea. Finally, he looked up again. “Maybe. I don’t think I have any idea how to do that.”

Rennan smiled. “You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known, but you try to make everything an intellectual exercise.”

“So you think I should just try to have sex.”

Rennan shrugged. “Or, you know, touch yourself. Ask someone to touch you. You don’t have to plan to have sex, but I think you can explore the possibility.” He pursed his lips, then huffed a wry laugh. “I know this probably sounds like a self-serving suggestion. Maybe it is? But I care about you. And I think this trauma has led you to fragment and compartmentalize all these parts of who you are as a whole. That’s protective, it serves a purpose, but at some point, you have to reintegrate in order to really heal. To feel like yourself again.” He smiled gently. “It doesn’t have to be today or any day soon. But maybe think about it?”

Garak mulled over Rennan’s words. Feeling himself slipping into reverie, he blinked, then nodded. “I will.” He regarded Rennan with an arch look. “You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

Rennan laughed. “I give myself plenty of credit.”

Garak offered half a smile, then finished his tea. He set down the cup, then contemplated the young man sitting next to him. “Thank you, Rennan. I appreciate you.”

Rennan beamed at him. “Now who’s charming?” He stood, stretching luxuriantly.

Garak watched him, wondering when he might look at Rennan’s body with desire again. He could appreciate the marvel of his thickly muscular legs and ass, accentuated rather than concealed by black and silver leggings. He wasn’t unaware of the alien beauty of Rennan’s smooth, pale skin, displayed abundantly by his loose-fitting black tank. It was strange to be unmoved by this body.

Rennan looked down at Garak. “You ready?”

Garak gave a nod, then stood. He disrobed quickly, eager to lie on Rennan’s heated massage table.

An hour and a half later, Garak stepped into Rennan’s sonic shower. His whole body felt like a bruise, as it always did after these sessions. He knew that in a few hours, the pervasive soreness would fade as his connection to his emotions receded. His muscles and tissues would feel relaxed and supple.

Garak dressed quietly. He often felt wordless after a session.

Rennan stripped the massage table of its sheets and tossed them into his reclamation unit. He perched on the arm of the couch. “Can I get you some tea?”

He always asked. Garak usually said no. Most days, he just returned to his quarters to sleep. Today, he nodded. “That sounds nice.”

Rennan showed only a faint trace of surprise as he rose and walked to the replicator. He ordered a red leaf tea and a jestral tea, then returned to the sofa. He looked at Garak curiously when he handed him his cup of red leaf.

“Can I talk to you about something?” Garak asked, carefully keeping his eyes trained on Rennan’s face.

The young man nodded, sitting on the sofa. Garak sat next to him. He looked into his tea for a long moment before speaking.

“I’ve wanted to apologize for how I treated you in the months before, ah, all of this,” he said, gesturing broadly. “And it’s taken me so long to apologize that my cowardly delay probably deserves an apology, too.” He took a breath, exhaling slowly, then sipped his tea. His bones were already starting to cool. Garak looked at Rennan, who seemed to be listening closely. “I’m sorry, my dear. I was misguided in shutting you out for so long. It was unkind.” He paused. “It’s dangerous for you if we are more than friendly acquaintances in public. Members of the same business community. Occasional dining companions. But in private, it’s needlessly cruel for me to treat you like someone who isn’t worthy of my trust and affection.”

Rennan’s black eyes welled up with tears. He looked at Garak with a combination of disbelief and gratitude that Garak knew, even as his ability to feel slipped away from him, was heartbreaking. Rennan’s voice was tearful when he spoke. “I don’t want to spill your tea, but I really want to hug you right now.”

Garak glanced down at his hands, then set his tea on Rennan’s coffee table. As soon as he did, the young man swarmed him, holding him tightly. Garak returned the embrace, stroking Rennan’s hair.

A few minutes later, Rennan drew away, but he took Garak’s hands. His face was tear-streaked, but he was smiling. “Thank you.” He squeezed Garak’s hands, then kissed his fingers. “Thank you,” he repeated.

Garak felt something heavy in him dissipate. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

Rennan smiled, a new wave of tears trailing down his cheeks. “Can we cuddle for a little while?”

Garak was very tired, but he thought better than to excuse himself. “Sure.”

They arranged themselves on the sofa. Garak lay on his back, and Rennan curled around him, head resting on his shoulder. They lay quietly for several minutes. It was more restful than Garak had expected.

“Have you had this conversation with Julian?” Rennan asked after a while. “Or, whatever version of it you two need to have?”

“Right after- ah, right after. On the  _ Defiant _ on the way back to the station.”

Rennan nodded. “Good.” He tilted his head, and Garak glanced down, meeting his eyes. Rennan smiled faintly. “You two have been in love too long for him not to know, but knowing it and hearing it are different things. Knowing it and really believing it are different things. I’m glad you finally told him.”

Garak found no trace of judgment in Rennan’s dark eyes. For a long moment, Garak just looked at the Betazoid. “You humble me,” he said quietly.

Rennan smiled. He kissed Garak’s jaw, then shifted down, tucking his head under Garak’s arm. It was a comfortingly familiar idiosyncrasy of Rennan’s. Garak closed his eyes, trying to imagine what it felt like to be as present as Rennan always seemed to be.

When Garak woke up, Rennan was asleep under his arm. Garak shifted slightly, squeezing Rennan’s shoulder. The younger man stirred.

“Mm,” Rennan hummed. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Nor did I,” Garak replied. “But I’ve gotten into the habit of napping after our sessions.”

Rennan hugged Garak around the ribs, then sat up. “Good. I think it’s useful. Computer, what time is it?”

“The time is 2037 hours,” the computer responded as Garak sat up.

“That wasn’t very long, then.” Rennan looked at Garak. “Do you want to eat dinner with me?”

Garak actually considered the invitation before declining, surprising even himself. “I appreciate the kind offer, my dear, but I should be getting home.” He stood, adjusting his shirt. “Another time.”

Rennan nodded, following Garak to the door. He smiled when Garak turned to say goodbye. “See you in a few days?”

Garak nodded, then paused. “Thank you, Rennan.”

Smiling, Rennan hugged Garak. “Thank you.”

__________

Five days later, Garak finally decided to try out Rennan’s advice for attempting to access his sexuality. He was lying on a slab of heated granite in his favorite Cardassian cave spa program, air-drying after a soak in a heated pool. He had placed a hot stone each on his chufa and chula, an old practice intended to bring strength and clarity to the mind and heart, respectively. As he lay still, contemplating whether chu’en stones had any merit, he considered using a chuva stone. A hot stone placed on the chuva was said to fortify the digestive and reproductive organs. He’d never tried it, but then, he was trying all manner of new things recently.

Garak picked up his small, cooled chufa stone and fished a large, flat stone from the basin. He placed it over his chuva, then lay his head back again, replacing his chufa stone with a fresh one. He closed his eyes, letting the heat sink into him.

It felt good, he had to admit. The heat drew blood to his chuva, and he felt his hip ridges begin to swell slightly. He lightly pinched the ridges, then ran his fingers over his ajan. It had been a long time. Experimentally, Garak slid a finger inside himself. It struck him as strange, touching himself like this and feeling unaroused.

Garak placed his hand in the stone basin until it was almost uncomfortably warm, then cupped his ajan. The heat felt good. He felt his ajan lips beginning to swell from the heat. He dipped his hand again, warming it before he slipped two hot fingers inside his ajan. He fingered himself slowly, pressing closer and closer to his irllun ridge.

When he reached the irllun, he found that the sensations produced by touching it didn’t feel erotic. It felt sensitive, but there was nothing arousing about it. He tried to tease himself, but to no avail. After several more minutes of exploration, Garak gave up. Sighing, he replaced all his chu’en stones with freshly heated ones, then closed his eyes. He breathed slowly, trying not to be frustrated.

__________

Two nights after that, Garak and Julian had dinner. Julian cooked, having timed his second harvest of oyster mushrooms with the delivery of a purchase of real jasmine rice. He fried the mushrooms in Rhombolian butter with a medley of Terran and Vulcan alliums, serving the dish over a bed of fluffy rice.

Garak noticed that the rice Julian dished out for himself was burnt. “Julian, I appreciate you being self-sacrificing, but I feel like a terrible guest watching you eat the burnt part.”

Julian blushed. “I’m actually being incredibly selfish. I made the rice with some of the extra butter, and rice burnt with oil or butter is one of my favorite things.”

Garak raised a brow ridge, unconvinced.

Julian laughed. “It’s actually quite common in Terran cultures. Here, try it. Just don’t be mad if I keep most of it for myself,” he added, grinning impishly. “I’ve been looking forward to this.”

Garak accepted the forkful of browned rice Julian held out to him, then tasted it carefully. The nutty flavor was surprisingly pleasant, and he found the texture intriguing. “Interesting,” he said, then took another small bite. Swallowing, he narrowed his eyes at Julian. “I concede that it’s quite good.”

Julian beamed, then shielded his bowl, scowling playfully. “I’m really pleased to have introduced you to something new that you actually like, but I promise I will make a  _ scene _ if you try to steal my crispy rice.”

Garak waggled his brow ridges. “Sounds like you need to watch yourself,” he teased.

Julian pouted, but the expression didn’t last through the next bite of his dinner. He laughed, then looked at Garak with a chagrined expression. “I fully understand that I’ve been grinning like an idiot all night, but I’ve had an incredibly good day. As it turns out, Elizabeth Lense  _ didn’t _ snub me, I cooked an  _ entire _ meal, and now I get to spend the evening with you.” He winked, then took another bite. “I’m so proud of how this turned out! It makes me want to cook for Commander Sisko or Miles. Someone who’s familiar with real Terran food.”

“As you remind me weekly, synthetic food is real food,” Garak said, looking at Julian archly.

The human grinned. “And I stand by it. But you know what I mean. Non-synthetic food. Organic food. Whatever.”

“I suspect Rennan would be overjoyed if you cooked for him,” Garak said, taking another bite.

Julian raised his eyebrows dramatically. “So as it turns out, Betazoids are intolerant of a lot of Terran mushrooms. I had  _ no _ idea until last week. But I told him I’d make him something with the jasmine before I run out.”

Garak nodding, chewing. “His loss. Thank you for cooking, my dear. This is quite good.”

Julian smiled brightly, looking immensely pleased.

“So,” Garak continued. “Speaking of Rennan.” He paused, and Julian looked at him attentively. “He put an idea in my head about a week ago that I’d like to explore. But I’d like your help.”

“Oh?”

Garak nodded. “We were talking about my, ah, diminished libido. He suggested that perhaps I’m unable to feel desire because I’m waiting to have it occur to me as- well, as a thought, I suppose.” He smirked. “He accused me of being too intellectual.”

“You?” Julian asked in mock incredulity.

Garak gave an arch nod. “He suggested that when I feel up to it, I try a physical approach to accessing sexual desire.”

Julian seemed to be trying very hard to maintain a neutral, if interested, expression. “I see. Have you tried it?”

“I have,” Garak said, nodding. “I tried masturbating a few days ago. It just didn’t feel erotic. I gave up after a while.”

Julian nodded, and Garak could see he was biting his lip to stop himself from speaking.

“So,” Garak went on. “His other suggestion, besides touching myself, was asking someone to touch me. I wondered-,” he paused, suddenly feeling irrationally shy. “I wondered whether you might touch me? Knowing that I might not be able to, ah, proceed.”

Julian took a breath that was only slightly shaky. “Of course.” He smiled. “Of course, Garak.”

Garak felt a surprising sense of relief. “Thank you,” he said, nodding. “Could we- might we do that tonight?”

Julian grinned. “We can do it right now, as far as I’m concerned.”

Garak examined Julian’s face. “I don’t want you to be disappointed if it doesn’t work.”

Julian set down his fork, taking Garak’s hand. “I’m happy to spend time with you whether it works or not. If I can help, I want to. If I can’t, well, at least we tried?”

Garak took a breath. “Alright. So. Shall we clean up and then, ah, get to it?”

Less than ten minutes later, they were on Julian’s bed. Julian straddled Garak, kissing him.

“How did you imagine it?” Julian murmured into Garak’s aural ridge. “How should I touch you?”

“I actually haven’t thought about it much, but ah, perhaps you could try to orally stimulate eversion? Can we start with that and see how it goes?”

Julian grinned. “Yes, please.” Sitting up on his knees, Julian called for the lights to dim a bit further. He glanced down at Garak. “Is it alright if we’re both naked for this?”

Garak nodded.

Julian flashed him a smile, then removed his shirt. He stood up for a moment to step out of his pants and underwear. Crawling back onto the bed, he unfastened Garak’s trousers and tugged them down over his hips. Garak tried to ignore the messy heap he heard them land in on the floor. He looked up as Julian straddled him. He unfastened his own shirt and pulled it over his head.

Garak gazed up at Julian, struck once again by his beauty. He’d seen Julian fully nude in a handful of holosuite hot springs over the past few weeks, but it felt different to see his body here, above him. Garak felt that sense of missing Julian terribly overwhelm him again.

“Are you warm enough?” Julian asked. He went to his elbows, hovering above Garak’s chest.

“With the blue blanket, I will be,” he replied, referring to the extra blanket Julian kept on his bed for when Garak slept over.

Julian sat back, grabbing the gauzy yet impressively warm blanket from the foot of the bed. He smiled as he unfolded it, then smoothed it over Garak’s arms, chest, and belly.

“Thank you, my dear,” Garak said, feeling almost cozy.

Julian leaned down, kissing Garak tenderly. Garak felt that tiny flame in his chest as he kissed Julian back.

The human settled between Garak’s legs. Garak felt warm hands stroke his thighs, and he breathed deeply, enjoying the contact. It eased his trepidation somewhat. Even if he didn’t end up feeling aroused, this was pleasant.

Fingers grazed lightly over the creases of his hips, then the delicate scales around his ajan, before finally tracing the microscaled lips. Julian kissed Garak’s thighs, fingers still grazing over his ajan. As his slow, wet, open-mouthed kisses moved nearer, Garak felt a strange sense of anticipation. It wasn’t the delicious, spine-bending anticipation he usually felt with Julian between his legs. If anything, Garak felt nervous. He worried that even Julian’s most devoted efforts might not break through whatever was blocking his ability to feel desire.

A soft, hot mouth kissed his ajan. Garak didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until Julian’s tongue slipped between the lips of his ajan. It was a touch that had always made his ajan swell and drip, that had made controlling eversion a delightful challenge. Garak closed his eyes, trying to focus on it. Trying to feel it. But no matter how much he wanted to want it, it just felt warm and wet. It just felt like a tongue. The familiarity of it made the experience all the more foreign. Garak tensed.

“Are you okay?” Julian asked, somewhat breathlessly.

“Yes, fine,” Garak said, trying to sound normal.

“Anything?” Julian asked, placing a kiss on his ajan.

Garak took a breath. “Not yet.”

Julian breathed hot over Garak’s ajan, then settled into a slow, steady pace, licking in a way that Garak was sure was meant to be teasing. He tried to push away the guilt he felt. He reminded himself he hadn’t felt anything for the earliest portion of the first massage that had brought up his grief. He breathed, trying to be patient. Trying very hard to be present.

Gradually, Garak felt his ajan become more sensitized. His lips felt fuller. Hopeful, he spread his legs a bit wider. Julian redoubled his efforts, licking and sucking hungrily.

A while later, Garak realized the sensitization was growing irritating. He tried not to sigh as he spoke up.

“Julian. I think we should stop.”

The human stopped immediately, propping himself up. He looked at Garak, concerned. “It’s not working?”

Garak should his head.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Garak. Everything is getting, uh, more swollen and wet. I thought maybe it was doing something.”

Garak should his head. “I can feel that, but it’s...not. It’s just a tissue response. I’m sorry, my dear.”

Julian furrowed his brows. “Don’t apologize.” He pulled the blue blanket over Garak’s hips and thighs, then lay next to him. “Sorry, Garak.” He touched Garak’s hair. “Are you okay?”

Garak suppressed another sigh. “I’m fine. You don’t need to apologize, either.”

Julian stroked his face. “You just need more time.”

Garak turned onto his side, facing Julian, pulling the blanket up to his neck. “Perhaps.” He realized Julian was sporting an erection covered in precum. Guilt hit him again. He glanced pointedly at Julian’s cock. “Can I-?”

Julian looked surprised, then shook his head emphatically. “I think the only thing that could make me  _ more _ self-conscious about being  _ this _ turned on by touching you when you’re not turned on at all by being touched is, uh, letting you get me off right now.” He chewed his lip. “Would it, uh- would it be totally inappropriate if I go masturbate in the lavatory?”

Garak offered a small smile. “You don’t need to treat it like something shameful. You should stay here.”

Julian looked conflicted. “Are you sure?”

Garak nodded. “You can use my lubricant, if you’d like. I can feel there’s plenty.”

Julian blushed deeply, but his cock twitched. He looked at Garak uncertainly. “I. Um. Are you sure, Garak?”

He nodded, pulling the blanket to one side and spreading his legs.

Julian hesitantly touched him, slicking his fingers and palm. “Thank you.”

Garak nodded, pulling the blanket back into place.

“I feel weird.” Julian looked nervously at Garak, hand a few inches from his still-leaking cock.

Garak tried to smile encouragingly. “Don’t. I feel better knowing that you aren’t going to bed frustrated.”

Julian bit his lip, then smeared his cock with Garak’s fluids. His eyes fluttered momentarily, and then he began to stroke himself.

The sound of Julian’s ragged breath reverberated through Garak in a way he didn’t expect. He felt his heart beat slightly faster, and something beneath his skin seemed to wake up.

Garak looked at Julian, catching his eye. The human gasped, lips parted. As he held Garak’s gaze, his panting breath became tinged with a hint of voice. Suddenly, Garak could feel Julian’s breathy little whimpers of pleasure in the swollen lips of his ajan, in the tension holding his prUt inside him. The wave of arousal took him by surprise, and Garak’s breath caught as he steadied himself.

“Julian,” he said quietly. “This is- hearing you is working.”

Julian’s eyes widened, then he grinned broadly. “Fuck,” he panted. “Oh fuck, thank god. Hearing how turned on I am?”

Garak nodded. “And your breathing.”

Julian groaned, and Garak shivered. “Getting to touch you made me so fucking hard,” Julian panted, looking at Garak with fire behind his eyes. “Just  _ thinking _ about touching you makes me want to fucking jerk off. You’re so sexy, Garak.” He moaned. “My cock is  _ achingly _ fucking hard right now. And it feels so fucking good to stroke myself with your lube.”

Transfixed, Garak nodded again. “More,” he said softly. He felt vulnerable asking, but he wanted very much to see this through.

Julian inhaled raggedly. “You don’t know how many nights I’ve fucked myself senseless on a silicone prUt thinking about you. I come all over myself, just like when you fuck me.” He bit his lip, squeezing his cock. “How many times I’ve stroked myself off thinking about your dripping wet ajan, how fucking wet and swollen you get, and how fucking perfect it feels to be inside you.”

Garak felt a slow fire spread in his ridges.

Julian licked his lips, breathing unsteadily. “How many times I’ve fantasized about what we just did — getting naked and worshipping you with my mouth until I’m covered in your fluids. But when I imagine it, you come on my lips, and then you hold my head between your legs and ride my face until you can’t come anymore.”

Garak’s breath caught again, and he felt his prUt lurch inside him. “Julian,” he breathed, pulling away the blanket. He parted his thighs, catching Julian’s gaze with an urgent look.

Julian inhaled sharply. “Do you mean it?” he asked.

Garak nodded, spreading the lips of his ajan with his fingers to feel the evidence of his arousal.

Julian was on top of him then, kissing him with a desperation that sent electricity through Garak’s body. “Garak,” he panted. “Oh my god, Garak. Fuck. You’re sure?”

“Yes,” Garak hissed. “I want you.”

Julian exhaled shakily, then kissed Garak again, holding his face between his hands. “I want you, too.”

Garak kissed him back, guiding Julian’s cock to rest against his ajan. He moaned as Julian entered him. The stretch was intense, elevated to a delicious agony by his uneverted prUt pressing against Julian’s thick cock. Julian’s first thrust destroyed Garak’s ability to control eversion, and he cried out as his prUt slid out.

Julian leaned over him, slipping his hands and forearms under Garak’s shoulder blades. They kissed ravenously, starved for one another. Garak wrapped his legs around Julian’s waist, relishing the way Julian’s body pressed his prUt against his belly with every heavy thrust.

“It feels so fucking good to be inside you,” Julian whispered, lips brushing Garak’s ear. It sent a new current of arousal through his body, and he moaned helplessly.

“This- feels- so- good,” Garak panted. “I’ve missed- you- Juliaaan,” he growled, spine flexing. Julian had clamped his teeth around Garak’s swollen shoulder ridges, almost pushing him over the edge. “Fuck, yes, yes, please.”

Still holding Garak close, Julian thrust harder. Garak felt light shooting through his body with each heavy impact, and he shivered uncontrollably. After so many weeks of feeling disconnected not just from Julian but from himself, the intensity was almost overwhelming. Simply experiencing arousal after so long was heady, and the blessedly slick friction of Julian moving inside him, the sharp pain-pleasure of teeth on his swollen shoulder and neck ridges, the achingly familiar relief of being filled by this person — Garak felt completely overstimulated and hungry for more.

And the way Julian held him. Strong arms were wrapped around him tightly, pressing a slim chest against his own. Garak felt cradled, protected in a way he would not have imagined he’d ever find desirable. The giddy tension in his chest rose more rapidly than the exquisite pressure building in his prUt and ajan.

“Julian,” he said softly. “Julian.”

The human released Garak’s neck ridge from between his teeth and met his eyes, looking drunk. “Garak,” he gasped.

“I love you,” Garak blurted, saying the words for the first time since Tain’s death. When he did, he felt something in his chest break open. It was so sudden and distinct that he wondered, just for a beat, if he was dying.

Julian’s eyes welled up, and he grinned uncontrollably for a moment before kissing Garak. “I love you, too, Garak,” he whispered, drawing back just far enough and long enough to speak. He kissed Garak like he needed him to breathe.

The intimacy of it hit Garak suddenly. His skin flashed hot and cold, and he felt lightheaded as he kissed Julian. He clung to him, one hand in his hair, the other on his lower back. He melted beneath the human, crossing his ankles behind his back to draw him deeper inside. Shaking with relief and something alarmingly like joy, Garak realized he felt close to Julian for the first time since Tain’s death. Maybe, truly, for the first time ever. A mosaic of warm light lit up inside him, and his bones glowed with a heat that brought tears to his eyes.

Julian’s hips never stopped moving. His thrusts became slower, longer. Garak moved with him, renewed arousal animating his movements. Tucking his face against Julian’s throat, Garak closed his eyes. He let the feelings, the sounds, the heady connection between them push him toward his orgasm. He didn’t try to stop his cries of pleasure that rose, louder and more plaintive, as the sensations coursing through him peaked.

When Garak came, Julian kissed away many of his wanton moans and whimpers. Some slipped past, pushing Julian over the edge. They clung to one another, held one another.

Aftershocks shook Garak intermittently for long minutes afterward. Julian lay on top of him, catching his breath. As he did, his hands beneath Garak’s shoulder blades glided upward, caressing Garak’s ridges lightly.

Julian squeezed Garak tight against his chest. “Garak,” he whispered, breaking a long silence.

Garak smiled faintly, then rolled them onto their sides. He shivered slightly when Julian’s softening cock slipped out of him. He looked into warm hazel eyes, and his gut lurched. “Elim,” he corrected, very quietly.

Julian looked stunned. He didn’t say anything for a long moment. Garak patiently held his gaze. Finally, Julian nodded, tears shining in his eyes. “Elim.”

Garak felt electricity hum in his nerves at the sound of his name on Julian’s lips. He stroked the human’s face. “Thank you, Julian.”

“For what?”

Garak felt his bones cooling again, so much sooner than he’d hoped, but the memory of warmth was stronger than it had been in a long time. He tried to give Julian a soft look before softness hid from him again. “I cannot begin to put into words what you give me, my dear. I have missed you, missed you painfully, these last weeks.” Julian’s brow furrowed, and Garak gently smoothed it with his thumb. “Tonight you touched me and I felt it. Tonight you loved me and I felt it. Tonight I didn’t have to miss you, because I was not alone.” He paused, watching a tear run across the bridge of Julian’s nose. “I feel myself receding even now, but tonight you helped me expand into parts of myself I find difficult to locate. Thank you. Thank you.” He kissed Julian, who grasped his face urgently.

“I love you. Elim.”

“I love you, Julian.”

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi in the comments? I've missed this fandom.


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